Resignation

Things I will never...

I will never own a home. Not with anyone else, and never just for me. I'll never know what it's like to plant roots in my own place, grow things that take years, remodel, re-roof, tear up and repaint. I'll never be in a place with a family to buy a house. I know that now. I want it, more then anything, but it's never going to happen.

I'll likely never own a new car. Not ever a 3-5 years old car. I'll never get to buy a car from a dealership, get that new car smell, know I'm the first person to take that baby out on the road for real. I'll never get to go and test drive and pick a car with exactly what I want, and get picky about the color. It's just not going to happen.

I'll never get to purchase new appliances. A washer, a dryer, new fridge or a dishwasher. Hell I'll be lucky to get a new freaking toaster oven at this point. There's no point in getting them.

There will never come a time when I get to own horses.  I won't ever own the land and have the means to keep them. Even if I could, I will never have the time. I'll never have the space to host all of Pack, nor Hunt on my grounds. I won't get to teach my daughter woodcraft. I'll be lucky to ever travel the country, much less the world. I'm not likely to ever get to see my grandfather again alive, or repair my relationship with my mother. I'll be beyond lucky to ever have a personal relationship tight enough that my daughter has a second parent figure in her life, or ever has a sibling. I won't ever graduate collage, get a degree and a great job. I won't enjoy what I'm doing, nor get a chance to give back like I want.

This just won't happen.
For one reason or another, theses things are more or less permanently off the table for me. Today, I became resigned to that fact.

On being a Slut

Hi.

My name is Briar, and if you didn't know, I identify as a slut. Sacred slut actually, but that's a separate post. for this, it suffices that I am a Slut.

So yes, I like sex. I like everything to do with sex. I like having sex, doing sex, talking about sex. I like to read about sex, I like to watch sex, I even like to RP sex. If it involves the human body, I probably love it.

Does that mean you can just message me and say "hi can i fuck u now?"
No, it absolutely does not.

I HAVE partners. They are very near to my heart, and I don't actually sleep around behind them. I may love all things sex related, but I'm safe about it. I don't sleep around with every person who wants me.  I don't go looking for people to sleep with. I don't constantly think about sex...well that may actually be a lie.

You want to hold an RP with me, put some thought into getting to know me first. I can be pretty picky about my writers (insert rant about he use of the word Pectorals in an RP) You want to meet me, much less sleep with me?

You'd best step up your game. I'm not in the market really, for anyone else in my bed. If you want one of those places, you'd have to really class up and be able to offer me something that my current partners do not. the BEST way to earn a permenant rejection stamp is to ask me flat out if we can have sex.  I'm a slut, I don't sleep around.

Hard to get that through enough. If I tell you no (no pictures, no RP, no cam, no touching...whatever) I REALLY do mean no. Even for a slut, consent is not implied. You HAVE to ask, and if I say now, if my partners say no, you take that as iron law. Don't keep messaging me about it, don't try to force a scene.  Period.

Kapeesh?

So I was thinking.
About my long post yesterday. About CJ and Becca.

Last night, I had a great conversation revolving around age, and life and choices.

I'm turning 25 in june. Nearly every one of the people I know was forced to grow up WAY too fast. We went from being little kids, to shouldering adulthood without taking the time to live first. And now we are struggling with that reality.

Don't. Don't do what several of us did. Don't take that step into total adulthood, tie down and settle without living. You'll always wonder what could have been. this is our ONLY chance to be stupid, live, explore, do. We shouldn't be settling down as an adult if we don't know who we are first. How could we know?

We were kids. Then instead of being teens, being young adults, growing up and learning, we broke. Shouldered choices and chances and horrors and work far and above what we aught to ever have faced that young. We grew up without getting a chance to grow up.

I can't speak for all of us. that's your story to tell. For me, I broke early. I broke when Josh got sick. Not because of him, but because the moment that damn c-word came into our lives,my headspace made a choice. A decision that led me to believe that I had ceased to have value to my family. I spent a year as nothing more then baggage, a liability, a drag on my family.That never changed and it led me to do some really really stupid things. I grew up in chains I put on with my choices and it took a long time to break free of some of them. I left home and took a yoke I was suited for, but unprepared for the events in training. I shattered, fled to ND and buried myself in being an adult, settling down. Took a partner, got married, had a kid and a household. Eventually moved back, had a micro-crisis, got a divorce and am now trying to rebuild things.

And I'm realizing, that if I don't take THIS one chance. If I don't make those changes NOW, take the time to learn to be an adult, to enjoy and accept things, to make my own way instead of anyone else's, that I'll NEVER get that chance. We will never be here again. Never get a chance to change who we are like this. To discover who we are, what we want. We have to do it NOW. Not tomorrow. Not next week or month or year. Not when it'll hurt less, or when the time is 'right'. It'll never be right. Change hurts. People hurt.

Have the courage to stand up and change and say that you're afraid and do it anyways. This is who I am, and I am doing me, for me. Not for anyone else.

Hey, guys? I know this is totally not anything I'd usually post.

But I'd like to share a story or two with you. Not mine, directly. But important and close to my heart nonetheless.

One is about a Veteran, CJ. I never knew CJ personally, only through is mother and the Air Force mom and dad group. CJ committed suicide 4 years ago. His mother now has a project called Scattering CJ. You can find it here on Facebook. Bring tissues, you'll need them.

The other is a little girl. Her name is Rebecca. Becca is dying. Quickly, slowly, there's no telling. She has an incredibly fast moving pediatric brain cancer. She's not even 8 years old, and her family is watching her die, slowly. Her parents are logging stories here as Team Becca.

As all of you know, I've served in the Air Force. As less of you know, I've been suicidal, and I still struggle with it sometimes. I can't imagine what CJ was going through, and seeing what his family has done with the gift of his life is amazing and inspiring. I plan on asking if I can take CJ with me to Disney next month, and then on to Israel this fall, hopefully.

My brother, Josh, will be 23 this year. When he was young, he had cancer. Aggressive, destructive...but curable. Becca's parents gave her school DNR papers today. If she goes down, they are letting her go. There's nothing more they can do for her but give her the best quality of life in the time she has left.

CJ could have been me. Or Camp. Or Kyle. Or JP. Or Ryan. Or Savannah.
Becca could have been Josh. Or Paige. Or Warren.

I don't really have anywhere to go with this. I wanted to share the stories. I think it's important to see loss and hurt as much as it is important to see wonder and light. If you get a chance, please, go read their stories. Light a candle for those struggling with illness and cancer, for their family and the story they are sharing.

Bring tissues. You will need them.

Team Becca
Scattering CJ

I offer myself to your will,

To better serve your needs.

I offer myself to be your tool,

For my path is one of usefulness.

I offer myself to be used,

For to be used is to be valued.

I offer myself to be honed

To give me a finer edge.

I offer myself to be changed, 

That I may become a vessel,

A manifestation of your will.

A tiny slice into my headspace, one wall down, a peek behind the gates while I struggle to explain to myself to others