Resignation

Things I will never...

I will never own a home. Not with anyone else, and never just for me. I'll never know what it's like to plant roots in my own place, grow things that take years, remodel, re-roof, tear up and repaint. I'll never be in a place with a family to buy a house. I know that now. I want it, more then anything, but it's never going to happen.

I'll likely never own a new car. Not ever a 3-5 years old car. I'll never get to buy a car from a dealership, get that new car smell, know I'm the first person to take that baby out on the road for real. I'll never get to go and test drive and pick a car with exactly what I want, and get picky about the color. It's just not going to happen.

I'll never get to purchase new appliances. A washer, a dryer, new fridge or a dishwasher. Hell I'll be lucky to get a new freaking toaster oven at this point. There's no point in getting them.

There will never come a time when I get to own horses.  I won't ever own the land and have the means to keep them. Even if I could, I will never have the time. I'll never have the space to host all of Pack, nor Hunt on my grounds. I won't get to teach my daughter woodcraft. I'll be lucky to ever travel the country, much less the world. I'm not likely to ever get to see my grandfather again alive, or repair my relationship with my mother. I'll be beyond lucky to ever have a personal relationship tight enough that my daughter has a second parent figure in her life, or ever has a sibling. I won't ever graduate collage, get a degree and a great job. I won't enjoy what I'm doing, nor get a chance to give back like I want.

This just won't happen.
For one reason or another, theses things are more or less permanently off the table for me. Today, I became resigned to that fact.